Note to Self: gotta say goodbye in order to say hello

Apr 18

Apr 18 Note to Self: gotta say goodbye in order to say hello

i fashioned this sound byte/mantra when my girls were little, while traveling back and forth between california (where we lived) and ohio (where my family is entrenched). the phrase came in handy again as our network of friends moved on and off the california mountain we called home. then we spent a magical 6 months in australia (again while r was working) — and made a new tribe to which we all became attached — leaving there was rough too.

and so on and so on throughout our lives this constant taste of bittersweet. true i think of everyone’s lives really as i don’t know many who fancy the heartaches of farewells, whatever their format.

today was one of those days for that mantra — we left robert’s cottage where we’ve been staying for the past two months, long enough to make some fascinating new friends and also start to set down roots — imaginary as they might be. the actual face to face goodbyes had transpired a few days ahead of time, so this morning it was just r and i, saying goodbye to the cottage — it’s vista — and of course the mama sheep with their baby lambs.

there’s been something magical about this place though, creating more tugs on the ole heartstrings during this latest farewell. in my self imposed sort of exile from the rest of the world — i’ve spent most of my time alone, but ironically, not lonely. nor driven — which is sort of a new one for me. it wasn’t relaxing in that “ lets go on vacay and veg out” sort of way. and it wasn’t flat lining in that major depressive manner either. there’s been more than a few wrestling matches with my inner demons — publishing this blog was a major coupe in the quest to conquer all that. in so doing — i’ve quieted my mind just enough to be able to hear my heart speak in something other than rage or grief — probably the two main emotions that have been running the show for longer than i want to admit.

saying goodbye to rage wasn’t easy but boy oh boy does it feel fantastic. forgiving — that’s another story for another time, i come by my appalachian roots honestly — there’s a whole other level to the forgiving/forgetting bit that i have yet to completely master. (and i’m in ireland where these ideas began — theses ancestors of my ancestors hold their grudges for centuries…not gonna get a whole lot of examples here as to how to NOT do that.) let’s leave it as a work in progress.

saying hello to grief — letting it in without letting it overwhelm — that’s new too. turns out that sitting with the ache of losses is comforting in a strange way. something about “no rain, no rainbows” comes to mind as that too implies hello and goodbye and hello again. i also think that tears are an integral part of the water cycle, its nice to know that both condensation AND evaporation are part of the plan, particularly on gloomy rainy grey days. (a physical metaphor that “this too shall pass”…)

for i am the queen at compartmentalizing things and putting them in long term storage, typically wrapping “it” with self deprecating humour — so not forgetting the “it” but not really dealing with “it” either — these weeks have been a haven for saying good bye to habits and ideas that don’t really suit me anymore. the by product of all that means giving up the cute and superficial wit for something that resonates on a deeper scale.

not that everything needs to be poignant — or have “gravitas” (as that gets into a different sort of deep that i am thrilled to be rejecting from my life) — but i am starting to find my truer voice both in print and in person — one that isn’t cruel but also not superficially “nice.” while my mother drilled in me the import of being polite — sometimes i think there is something about tellin’ it true that is perhaps kinder in the long run. time will be more tellin’ — and immersion back into the world of people will certainly test all this. it is easy to be pious on a hilltop. for now i’m feeling fantastic, keeping it “raw and real” — if only to and for myself (and my inner critic who needs to take a serious vow of silence). finding THIS new hello while bidding farewell to the cottage of robert is something i’m hoping will stay with me for a good long while.