Happy Mother's Day in Ireland — Leap, Love, Learn

march 31st is the day they set aside to honor the mothers of ireland — which was a little rough to take in as i am missing having and being one all at the same time. it’s a strange ache and disconnect from so much that has defined me. two of my very close friends have lost their mothers this past month. it’s not a club in which you want to welcome anyone too soon, yet each of us has been lucky to have mothers who lived mostly happy, healthy, long lives for which we each have shouted our gratefulness to the world. our mothers were also our greatest champions. it’s impossible not to miss that.

i also have three young friends in particular, who’ve lost their mommas before they themselves were fully launched. that is the deeper heartache, witnessing all that was stolen from them and their mommas. tis' a delicate dance — watching from a near distance as each of these man cubs comes into his own, trying to “be there" for them when they are at pivot points while resisting the urge to want to do and be more. no one can replace their mommas — yet i did make a pact to be the stand in whenever they reach out, which each of them does from time to time. it is both a heart warming and heart wrenching honor, that.

actually though, it is this occasionally called upon mentorship with these “boys to men” that is helping me come to terms with the inevitable transition between myself and my own daughters. my first born will be 25 years old in a matter of days — how did that happen? my baby girl of 22 will graduate from college next month — that too seems unfathomable. of course these large life markers are signs of all things good. and yet, it is still taking some getting used to on my part to be so far away and so out of reach. luckily the mamma radar still works from this distance so I can feel when something is off, even all this way across the atlantic. as they each continue to come to terms with-- and move on from-- their own past traumas, perhaps it is a good thing that all i can send is psychic support. we still have and need each other, its just manifesting into a new era where my presence is no longer required as they sally forth to their own futures. while it's the natural progression of things, it doesn't mean it isn't occasionally hard to swallow.

meanwhile over here on my own i am discovering another mother figure that brings comfort -- borrowing the sentiments of author frances mayes of the famed novel and movie 'under the tuscan sun'

Signor Martini wants me to have faith. Something I've never been good at, and now I'm even worse at. Not that I don't want faith. I'm jealous of the believers. But as a fallen-away Methodist, I do not expect to emerge from all of this a Catholic, although I admit some interior juggling is going on. To my surprise, I have become friendly with Mary. It started the night she stood by me through the storm, knowing full well I'm not a Catholic. Yet, somehow, she seems more like Mary, my favorite aunt, than Santa Maria. Aunt Mary is everywhere here, her calm presence assuring us that all things will go on as they have before."

- Frances Mayes

while i too keep running into auntie mary in various locations (including italy) — it was mother's day here in ireland when i discovered she is keeping her eye out for me as well. r and i had headed into town to grab brekkie and amazingly enough found a place to park on the street rather than the car parks where you have to pay for the privilege. getting out of the car we discovered we were smack dab at the entrance to st mary's catholic church, which we thought to be an odd occurrence for a parking spot on a sunday morning in a country that is mostly catholic. little did we know that it was intermission between one service and the next, just enough time for auntie mary to have arranged for us to be instantly greeted by a well dressed older couple who seemingly appeared out of thin air to say hello (as everyone in ireland is wont to do btw, it's a charming element of their collective dna) upon hearing our hearty reply, this gorgeous elder woman immediately placed us as americans, sharing news that her daughter was currently living in san fransico and loving it there. in fact they had just returned from a 3 month visit. as she talked, it was clear that she adored her daughter (who had to be near our ages or older) and that they were still quite close. this interlude served as reminder that my folks also visited for months at a time when we lived in the mtns. of southern california -- not quite as romantic as san fran but mesmerizing in its own high desert sort of way. the point being that it was less about locations and more about the eternal bond between mother and daughter no matter the physical distance. at that time in my life, i sure needed mine to be there and help me through my career of early motherhood mostly alone on a mountain with two adorable little ones while my husband worked long hard hours in the movie biz, often months away from home. actually my folks were so integral to our daughters existence, that we eventually moved back home to ohio so they could be closer to their grandparents.

in presenting me with that memory, auntie mary was literally standing over me, nudging me to connect to the legacy of love between mothers and daughters that runs strong and deep. my girls might not need me in the same way as they did when they were younger…which is actually a relief in some ways. knowing they've "made it" through the gauntlet of becoming smart, vibrant, strong, compassionate women is quite the accomplishment…for them… and for myself. that they still do reach out for advice is comforting -- and when they ignore it and are then able to come back admitting 'you were right mom' — is the best validation of knowing they were listening all along yet learning in their own time and on their own terms. in feeling the ache of the absence of my mother, i comfort myself in the notion that she can still hear me when I utter the inevitable long overdue “ok, you were right Mom” — which i’ve taken to saying out loud just on the chance that the mystical winds can carry that message to her. if not the wind, i think auntie mary will make sure my mom knows how much she is loved, missed and appreciated. this is possibly the best mother's day present for which one can ask. and for me at least, not one i could ever imagined were it not for the opportunity to meet auntie mary and experience a bittersweet mother's day here in the emerald isle.